On Her Own

Agatha Xanthos couldn’t believe that her grandmother, Tatik, had died. It shouldn’t have been such a surprise, as Tatik had complications of diabetes. She had recently had an eye operation, and had lost feeling in her left foot. The doctors had been talking about amputating that foot. Still, it was hard to imagine living without Tatik.

Tatik had directed Agatha to contact her lawyer, Saul Berg, if she died. He would make all the funeral and cremation arrangements as well as execute Tatik’s estate. Agatha left a message to his office and was relieved that he would handle everything for her. She couldn’t face up to Tatik’s death, and went to work the next day. Saul called her at her office.

“I stopped at your apartment to talk about what your grandmother had arranged for her estate. She passed away yesterday, and you went to work today?”

“I’m sorry you went out of your way. I couldn’t bear to be in the apartment alone, knowing she was gone for good. If there is anything we need to discuss, I can go to your office.”

“Of course there are things to discuss! She told you she was leaving her directives with me. You are her closest relative, in fact, her only relative. I’m in my office now. Be here in an hour. You shouldn’t be at work. Let your employer know that there was a death in the family, and that you’ll be out for the rest of the week.”

“For the rest of the week? What will I do all alone?”

“You won’t be alone. There will be a funeral service the day after tomorrow at the Armenian Orthodox Church. Friends of hers will want to visit you. We have to go through all of her things and decide what will be liquidated. I know how close you both were, and I’m sure your work will be affected if you don’t grieve properly.”

Agatha choked back a sob and sighed heavily. After a pause, she said, “Okay. I’ll let the director know and then I’ll come to your office.”

When she arrived at Saul’s office, the receptionist, Emily, touched Agatha’s shoulder, expressed her condolences, took Agatha’s coat and offered her coffee. Agatha asked instead for some water. Emily gave Agatha a bottle of water and led her directly to Saul’s office.

Saul had a folder laid out in front of him. He came out from behind his desk and shook Agatha’s hand, putting his left hand over her right hand. “I’m so sorry we have to meet for this reason. Your grandmother was very proud of you.”

When they were seated, Saul explained that Tatik had created a trust fund for Agatha. The trust fund would pay the rent and utilities on the upper west side apartment Agatha and Tatik had shared until Agatha got married. Everything in the apartment now belonged to Agatha as well. The trust fund would also pay Agatha’s tuition for graduate school, as long as she stayed in the MBA program she was in. Tatik said in her will that she loved Agatha, but didn’t want her dependent on the trust fund. She wanted Agatha to wholeheartedly pursue her career. Much of Tatik’s money would go to the Armenian Orthodox Church. All of it if Agatha didn’t use it.

Tatik had escaped the famine in Armenia in 1917 with her mother and sister. They went to Bulgaria, where Tatik grew up and married a Greek businessman. Tatik, her mother, sister and Agatha’s father came to America just before America entered World War II. Tatik’s husband stayed in Bulgaria, was arrested, and died in a concentration camp. In America, Tatik supported her mother and sister by sewing in factories. Tatik’s mother and sister died from heart disease before Agatha was born. Tatik became a successful clothes designer, and then invested money well and made a fortune. Agatha’s father and mother died in an auto accident when Agatha was five years old. Tatik adopted her.

Agatha relied on Tatik for direction in her life. Tatik made sure Agatha developed good study habits when she was young. Tatik advised Agatha to study computer science at Columbia University. At that time, personal computers were a new thing, and most programming was for mainframe computers. When Agatha got her undergraduate degree with highest honors, she found a lucrative job at a bank. Agatha enjoyed her work. Computer programming was like solving puzzles to her.

Tatik advised Agatha to go for an MBA next. She wanted Agatha to get into upper management. Agatha did just as well in her graduate classes as in her undergraduate classes, but management didn’t interest her as much. She didn’t look forward to graduating and becoming a manager.

Between work and graduate school, Agatha didn’t have a lot of time for socializing. She did have a fiance, Tom Schwartz, who she met as an undergrad. Tatik told them not to marry until Agatha completed the MBA program. Agatha had complete faith in her grandmother’s advice.

Agatha was ruminating about her grandmother, her grandmother’s advice, and worried about what she would do without her.

“Agatha, did you hear me?” Saul asked.

“I’m sorry, my mind wandered. I don’t know what I will do. Rent and tuition are not the problem with the job Tatik guided me to find. You know that. Who will tell me what to do when I face a dilemma?”

“You know, your grandmother and I were friends as well as associated by business. If you like, you can come to me for personal advice, although you don’t know me as well as your grandmother did.”

Agatha looked down, nodded, and sighed a few times.

“It’s okay to cry. This is a terrible loss for you.”

Agatha let the tears roll down her face and sniffled.

“Have you talked to your fiance since she passed away?”

“I spoke to Tom last night on the phone. He’s on a business trip, so I didn’t tell him she passed away. I hoped to wake up and find out it was just a nightmare.”

“I don’t see how you could keep it from him. Are you really planning to marry him?”

“Of course. I know he will comfort me. I would just rather tell him in person. I’ll see him tonight.”

Agatha called the professor of the class she was to go to that evening and told him she wouldn’t be there. He told her what that night’s assignment would be.

“Who in your family passed away?”

“My grandmother.”

“Were you close?”

“Yes. She raised me and I always relied on her wisdom in life.”

“You know, you are an exceptionally bright student. I would like to be your mentor. Business management is a cutthroat field, but you could succeed. I could help you strategize your career.”

Agatha gasped as if she had just been burned. “Thank you, professor, I’ll keep that in mind.” What he said made her want to bury her head in computer code.

Saul was right. Tatik had many friends, and as word spread, they visited Agatha. Tom came by when a few of Tatik’s friends were still with Agatha.

When Agatha opened the door and saw Tom, she threw her arms around his neck and cried. Between sobs she said, “Tatik is gone. The funeral is the day after tomorrow. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her.”

Tom held her gently. Without saying a word, he stroked her straight auburn hair while she cried.

After the funeral, Saul had arranged for a catered reception in Agatha’s apartment.

“Do you want me to help you take an inventory of what in the apartment you want to sell?”

“No, I just want to keep everything as it is for now. It makes me feel more secure.”

After everyone else had left, Tom helped Agatha clean up.

While they were washing dishes, Agatha said, “You know, a professor offered to be my mentor, but the way he described business management made me squirm. It doesn’t fit my personality. I don’t know if it is just the way he is or if it is the nature of business management.”

“What would you like to do with your life? Continue working where you are? Get married sooner?” Tom stopped drying the dish in his hand and put an arm around Agatha’s shoulders.

“I would like to get a master’s degree, and even a doctorate, but I would prefer to get it in computer science. I would also like to get married sooner, but I feel I should do what Tatik told me to do in order to honor her.”

Agatha threw the sponge into the hot, soapy water and started to cry, turning to Tom. He hugged her and led her into the living room and sat down with her on a couch and stroked her arms.

“If you want to wait until you get a master’s degree before we get married, I understand, but Tatik’s plans may not be right for you. You’re an adult now and can choose what to study and how to live your life. This may not be the best time to make decisions, but why don’t you decide after a few months, when you’ve completed the spring semester?”

Agatha sniffled and nodded her head. She went on to complete the semester without talking to the professor outside of class. During that semester, the apartment was lonely without Tatik. Agatha avoided spending waking hours there alone by working overtime, studying at the library, and spending time with Tom. As lonely as she was, she didn’t feel living together before marriage would be appropriate. They decided to get married that June, and agreed not to have children.

When Agatha told Saul Berg she planned to get married, he was surprised.

“You will be giving up a major part of your trust fund.”

“I know. It’s okay for it to go to the Armenian Church. Tom and I both have the means from our jobs for rent and utilities. I’m also thinking of going for a graduate computer science degree instead of an MBA, so there may be no reason for the trust fund at all.”

“Are you sure of what you are doing?”

“I’m sure that I’m better suited for computer science than business management. I haven’t decided for sure, though.”

“Well, it is up to you. If the trust fund is ended, your client relationship with me will be done, but I am still your friend. If you want personal advice, or someone to converse with about your grandmother, please don’t hesitate to call me. She was a big personality with a big heart, and I’m grieving her loss as well. Let me give you my home phone number.”

“Thank you. I’d like someone to talk to when I’m at home alone.”

At her semi-annual performance review, Agatha had high scores. She told the director, Max Brown, that she was in an MBA program at Columbia, but was thinking of switching to a masters in computer science.

Max said, “An MBA program would set you on a new career path, and you would have to start over in an entry-level position. A masters in computer programming would enhance your skills and prepare you for a promotion to a more highly skilled position. Since computer science is relevant to your current position, the bank would reimburse your tuition. That is the educational path I would recommend for your career.”

Agatha sighed. “Thank you. That’s what I want to do, but I needed logical reasons to follow my gut instincts.”

Saul Berg wasn’t surprised when Agatha called him that night to say she was willing to forfeit the trust fund payment of tuition.

“You still have time to think it over.”

“But my employer is going to cover the tuition. I do feel like I’m being disloyal to Tatik.”

“She is still on your mind while you are giving up your trust fund. She would have wanted you to be happy. Even someone as wise and clever as your grandmother can be wrong in giving advice.”

“Sometimes I talk out loud at home as if she was here. I can hear her arguing that management is more powerful than computer programmers, that computers are changing so quickly, I’m likely to become obsolete.”

“Do you have an answer for her?”

“Now that you ask me, I do have an answer. Specialists are autonomous, and I love learning and creating new things, and that is part of why I want to be a computer science student.”

Saul said, “If you continue the conversation out loud, you can thank her for bringing you to computer science and remind her that you still love her dearly. She loved you, and nothing can take that away.”

After the phone call, Agatha wept. Aloud she said, “Tatik, I’ve always loved you. I always will love you. Thank you for raising me and seeing to my education and career. I’m sorry you are not here for this career move.”

The thought of studying computer science further and getting married sooner made Agatha feel like a weight had been lifted from her life, and she had a buoyancy she had never before felt about the future. Agatha still missed Tatik, but now she felt empowered in her own life.