In the Forest

Madeline stumbled over some rocks in the path, unable to catch up with her new husband. “Jon, could we stop for a while? I’m all sweaty and out of breath, and I don’t know if I can carry this backpack much further.”

Jon turned around, “Madeline, we’ve been on this trail for less than half an hour.”

Madeline said, “This isn’t how I thought our honeymoon would feel. You suggested it while we were at the botanical garden. That was much prettier, and we were holding hands, walking at a leisurely pace, and we didn’t have heavy loads to carry.”

Madeline started to cry.

Jon walked up to her and stroked her hair. “I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. We don’t have to walk fast.”

Madeline sniffled. “This backpack weighs me down. I don’t like this at all.”

Jon wiped some of the tears on her face with his thumb. “We could turn around if you like.”

Madeline sobbed. “Are we going to spend our honeymoon at home? This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life!”

“Why don’t we get a hotel room, leave the backpacks there, and walk hand in hand, as slow and as little as you like? We could eat at a restaurant. I think I saw a nice one in town.”

Madeline stopped crying and her face brightened up. “We could do that? You don’t mind?”

Jon said, “Of course we could do that. I wouldn’t force you to do something you don’t want to do.”

Madeline smiled sadly. “I was afraid you didn’t really love me and wanted to torture me.”

Jon pulled Madeline close to him and kissed her forehead. “I thought you knew better than that. Of course I love you. Backpacking is fun to a lot of people, including me. I thought you’d like it, too.”

He lifted her chin and kissed her gently on the lips. They strolled back the way they came, hand in hand.

Jon turned to Madeline. “If the load is too heavy, you could take it off. I’ll carry my backpack to the car and come back for the second one.”

Madeline sighed. “That’s too much walking for you, and I don’t want you to leave me alone in this forest. It gives me the creeps.”

Jon said, “As you like. Are we walking slowly enough now? You can set the pace if you want.”

Madeline said, “I’m fine now, thank you.”

****************************************************************************************************

Madeline stared into space in the hospital waiting room. Her daughter, Cathy, sat down next to her and put an arm around her. “We’ve still got each other.”

Madeline nodded slowly. “I’m glad you were able to come back to New York City from Boulder.”

“Of course I came back. Dad was always so healthy. I couldn’t let you face this alone. If he had survived the stroke, he could have lost his speech or been paralyzed, although that would have been better than to lose him altogether like this.”

Madeline shook her head. “We had the perfect marriage. He gained my complete trust on the first day of our honeymoon.”

“Yes, you’ve told me about that day, but why didn’t you trust him to begin with?”

Madeline sighed. “I had been in an abusive relationship for over a year some time before I met your father.”

“You never told me about that.”

“My parents knew, but I never told anyone else. My parents disapproved of me living with someone without marriage, but they let me back into their house when I left him. In the course of the relationship, I let all my other friendships drop away. I was under his complete control, and he made me suffer.”

“You didn’t even tell Dad?”

“We agreed when we first met that we wouldn’t talk about previous relationships. We had each other and we were together for life and that was all that mattered.”

After the memorial service, when everyone had gone, and Madeline was alone in the apartment, she let down her calm exterior, dropped down on the sofa, and cried. In the thirty years of marriage, nobody had seen Madeline cry, except her husband. Other people, even her daughter, didn’t fill the empty place left by Jon. It was a relief to cry alone. The midday sun through the windows gave way to darkness before Madeline stopped crying. Her head hurt and her throat ached. She took some Tylenol and drank several glasses of water.

Wanting to somehow feel Jon’s presence, Madeline went into the room he had used as an office. When he was alive, Madeline never went into that room. She had Jon to herself whenever he wasn’t working. Now she sat down at his desk. The laptop was closed on top of the clean desk. Madeline knew she would never understand the work he did but also knew he never held that against her or looked down on her. Madeline idly wondered if there was a way for her to contact his clients to let them know of his passing. She opened the drawers to his desk, but didn’t see a client list. All the information must have been in his laptop, and she didn’t know his password.

There were shelves of books behind where she sat at the desk. A lot of the books had to do with software design and implementation, but there was a long row of books without titles on the bindings. Madeline pulled out the first one. It was a diary dated a year and a half before she and Jon started corresponding through a dating site geared for people who want long term relationships. She started to read.

***********************************************************************************************************

I’m writing this journal on the advice of a therapist I consulted because I feel devastated that Alexandria left me.

Alexandria and I went to the farmer’s market in Raleigh. I don’t get excited about fresh produce like Alexandria did, but I like the pastries. She said I’m a typical man. I said not at all. I’m much more sentimental. She kissed me on the cheek.

We’d been living together for a year and had agreed not to get married. On days like that, it felt like we were married. I told her so. She beamed.

“If we’re not going to have a wedding, can we agree to have a common law marriage when we’ve lived together long enough?”

Alexandria looked at me questioningly. “Do you think you could be faithful to me that long? I know how to get a man’s attention, but not how to keep it.”

I hugged her. “How can any man get you off of his mind?”

I released her and we walked toward the stands. I meant what I said.

I asked, “Why don’t we fly to Las Vegas and elope, like today?”

Alexandria sighed. “I’d feel more secure with a common law marriage. If you take up with another woman, I want to be able to end everything neatly and easily.”

We went up to a peach stand and were given sample bites. The peach was sweet. Alexandria bought a basket of them. We walked through the market. A stand that sold fruit preserves caught Alexandria’s attention. She bought strawberry preserves and elderberry preserves.

As we moved away I said, “Someone must have betrayed your trust.” She nodded. “I’ve never had a relationship before this one that lasted for more than a year. It was never my choice to end it. It was the guy’s other woman. Also, my mother raised me alone because my father disappeared when I was a toddler and never came back.”

I clasped her free hand and kissed it. “That won’t happen with me.”

She looked up at me with a face that was between a smile and a pout. “I’d like to believe that.” Then she looked ahead. “Oh, there are some fresh herbs. I’ve got to get some.”

Then we went to the pastry area. I bought cinnamon rolls and chocolate croissants. We went to the North Carolina Museum of Art and had an early dinner there. When we got home, we made love. But when I woke up the next morning, she was gone.

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. All of her toiletries were gone. On the dining room table, I found a note that read: “Jon, it’s been lovely. I can’t express how moved I felt by your proposal yesterday, but I can’t stay in a committed relationship. Please don’t look for me. Love, Alexandria.”

We lived in a two bedroom apartment and we both worked from home. The second bedroom we used as an office for both of us. Her laptop and papers were all cleared out. It then occurred to me that I didn’t even know what she did, much less what company she worked for or if she was self employed. After a year of living together, I actually knew very little about her, except that I was in love with her.

I looked into the closet and her dresser drawers, and all of her clothes were gone. How did I sleep through her moving out? I could have kicked myself.

I made a cup of coffee and tried to think. Did she ever hint that she was unhappy? Why couldn’t she stay in a committed relationship? Was she already married? I tried calling Alexandria on her cell phone, but the number was no longer in use. I looked for her on LinkedIn, but there were several Alexandria Smith entries, and none of them sounded like my Alexandria.

I couldn’t make any sense of the situation and it upset me to think about it, so I threw myself into work. I am a software engineer and work freelance from home. I make pretty good money, and I had been paying the rent myself.

We had been planning to go on a Caribbean cruise together in another month. She had taken her passport and other papers with her. I couldn’t bring myself to cancel the reservations. I knew I would need to get out of the apartment and part of me hoped she would come back before then, or show up for the cruise. I know that didn’t seem likely, but I couldn’t help but hope.

For the next month, I took on more work than usual. I ordered my meals and grocery items delivered and I never left the apartment. If Alexandria was to come back for something, I didn’t want to miss her.

I flew alone to Florida for the cruise and got to the ship alone. I felt like the cabin was closing in on me. Thankfully, it had a balcony. I had brought my laptop and registered for the WiFi and continued to work while I was on the cruise. I ordered my meals through room service, and didn’t leave my room for the first few days.

Finally, I ventured out to the pool and ordered a pina colada. I took a few sips, and then got in the water and swam a lap before drinking more. The drink was sweet and refreshing. There was a woman in an attractive one piece black bathing suit not far from me, lying down. I glanced at her and she smiled and waved.

I took my drink and sat by her. “Do you mind if I join you?”

“It would be nice to have some company.”

“You’re on this cruise alone?”

“Yes, I’m celebrating that I paid off my student loans for my MSW. I love the sun and the ocean and don’t mind being alone and open to meeting people.”

“Congratulations for your MSW.”

She nodded. “It’s a field I find meaningful. And you, you’re on the cruise alone?”

I sighed and made a face. “My girlfriend left me after the reservations were made, and I couldn’t bring myself to cancel either of our reservations, so here I am, lounging and drinking alone. At least I can continue to work on board.”

“I’m sorry about the breakup. You seem like a decent guy. Do you want to go to the dining room for dinner together?”

She gave me a cabin number, and we went to our rooms to change clothes, but when I knocked on the door, a child answered, and there was a family of four there. She wasn’t one of the family. I wondered if she didn’t want to have dinner with me, or if I got the number mixed up. It occurred to me that we didn’t even exchange names. I went back to my room and ordered dinner room service again. I spent the rest of the cruise working.

When I got back home, there was still no sign of Alexandria.

***********************************************************************************************************

Madeline closed the book and thought, “We agreed not to talk about previous relationships, but he was that passionate about someone other than me? And he kept the diary with this entry. Was he still longing for her? Is the whole row of diaries about her?”

Madeline shook her head and put the diary back. She felt like she had lost Jon twice now. That entry brought their whole marriage into question for Madeline. She knew she would have to read the rest of the diaries to find out if he had been true to her. It didn’t look to her like he had been, in his heart.

Madeline’s head and throat still hurt badly and her whole body felt heavy. She stumbled back into the kitchen for another glass of water. She went to the bathroom and saw that her eye makeup had run down her cheeks, but she didn’t care. Madeline went to bed just as she was, makeup on but smeared, and wearing the clothes she wore to the memorial. She fell into a deep sleep.

When she got up again, late the following morning, her head and throat hurt more than she could have imagined, but instead of dwelling on Jon’s death or his diaries, Madeline found herself going over memories that made her feel close to Jon. She took some more Tylenol and realized she was hungry. She had toast and scrambled eggs and a cup of coffee.

After eating, Madeline looked around at the walls and windows of the dining room. She had never felt so alone. Life without Jon seemed unthinkable. Then she thought of the journal entry.

She thought, “Those diaries. I have to know that Jon really loved me, not Alexandria.”

She went back to his office and pulled down the diary again. There were many entries about how he missed Alexandria, written weekly. Gradually, the entries were more about his work and making friends at a nearby pub. There came a point when Jon’s therapist recommended he start thinking about what he really wanted in a romantic relationship, and think about how he could fulfill those needs. He really wanted a lifelong relationship, and maybe a child or two. He signed onto a matchmaking site for people who were looking for marriage.

The entries after that were about meeting and romancing Madeline. Those entries brought back many happy memories for Madeline. Once he was married, the therapist said the therapeutic relationship had met its goals. The next entry was made five months later.

***********************************************************************************************************

Alexandria called today. I didn’t recognize the number and let the call go to voicemail.

“I miss you. I hope we can get back together.” She didn’t even say who she was, but of course I knew.

On the one hand, I was angry. She left me, not the other way around. Did she think I would just drop everything after not hearing from her for nearly two years? On the other hand, I really want to know why she left me, what her story was. I couldn’t bring myself to call her, but I put her number in my directory so I’d know if she called me again.

She called again a few hours later.

I answered, “Hello?”

“It’s me. I miss you so much. Can we get back together?”

I started playing with a paperclip and sighed. “I’m married now, and have a child on the way. Why did you leave me to begin with?”

She didn’t miss a beat. “It’s okay if you’re married. I just want to be with you. Do you miss me, too?”

Did she have any ethics?

I dropped the paperclip. “I missed you when you left, but not since I’ve fallen in love again.”

“We were so good for each other. Why don’t we get together and catch up with each other?”

“I would like to know why you left so abruptly. Why don’t we meet at the pub we often went to?”

***********************************************************************************************************

Madeline slammed the diary down on the desk.

She tried to address Jon. “How could you meet her again? We were married. I was pregnant. You were betraying me and I didn’t even know.”

Madeline sobbed and put her head on the desk. Her throat was sore and her head hurt, but still she couldn’t stop sobbing. She turned her head and heaved vomit on the floor next to her. Then her body quivered and she gulped air into her chest. She felt weak, but she went to the kitchen and drank some water.

A strange calm came over her. She thought, “He’s already dead. I don’t have to get back at him and I don’t have to mourn losing him.

She took a roll of paper towels and a garbage bag into the office and cleaned up the mess. She then sprayed air freshener around the area.

“I have to know the whole truth,” she thought, and she opened the diary again and found the place where she had stopped reading.

***********************************************************************************************************

I met Alexandria at the doorway to the pub. She kissed me on the cheek. I frowned and shook my head.

Alexandria slipped her arm around my arm. “We can go to my hotel room now, instead of sticking around this dive.”

I disentangled my arm from hers. “No. I’m not going to have an affair with you. I’m happily married and even have a child on the way.”

Alexandria sighed loudly. “As you wish.”

We ordered a pitcher of beer like we used to when when we came to this bar. We sat on the red vinyl seats of a booth.

I looked down at my glass, ready to cry. I realized I had compromised my marital vows just by being there.

Alexandria looked at me expectantly. “If you don’t want to have an affair, why did you meet me? Do you want to scold me? You could spank me if we go back to my room.”

I took a deep breath and let it back out. “You are showing me a side of yourself I didn’t know you had. No, I don’t want to scold you. I just want to know why you left me so abruptly.”

“Marriage is so traditional, so patriarchal. I felt I was getting trapped into a subordinate relationship to you. That could be fun to play at for a night, but I didn’t want to get tied down.”

I looked at her and saw her completely differently. I wondered if she had made up the boyfriends who left her or were unfaithful to her. What she had just said made sense of everything.

I stood up. “Thank you for telling me. That’s all I need to know.”

Alexandria’s eyes widened. “You’re leaving? Before we even drink the beer?”

“It’s all yours. I have to drive home, anyway.”

I’m glad I know why Alexandria left me. She wasn’t worth getting so upset about. Knowing her feelings will make me be more thoughtful with Madeline. I don’t want to subordinate her or give her anything to rebel against. She said she wants to be a stay-at-home mom, but I’ll be careful to cherish her.

Now that I have closure about Alexandria, I want to keep a running journal about my life with Madeline. I’m so glad we found each other. I think we will have a long, happy time together.

***********************************************************************************************************

Madeline breathed a sigh of relief. Tears of happiness rolled down her cheeks.

She thought to herself, “How did I ever lose my trust for Jon? Now I have all of these diaries to read and relive my time with him.”