Against the Precepts

We were seated in a diner booth on our first date. As our eyes met, I stroked my chin and found I had five o’clock shadow stubble. I wondered if that would be a turn on or a turn off for Ellen. The diner was in downtown Philadelphia. I live about an hour’s drive from the city. We had met through a dating site. Ellen was cute, petite, had long light brown hair, and big green eyes.

I said, “You carry yourself like a ballerina.”

Ellen smiled. “Thank you. I practiced ballet until I was eighteen, when I realized it wouldn’t be a career. Now I practice yoga. You look pretty muscular, yourself, Peter.”

“Thanks. I have a personal trainer and do weight training.”

We had a few moments of silence as we looked at our menus.

Ellen sighed. “It’s hard to find entirely plant based meals at most restaurants. At least here they have a veggie burger.”

I looked up at her. “You’re a vegetarian?”

Ellen nodded. “I’m vegan. I take it you’re not?”

I shook my head. “Not only do I eat meat, but I’m a manager at a chicken factory. I oversee the stunning and the chicken throats cut.”

Ellen gasped. “No! You aren’t serious, are you?”

I shrugged with my palms up, eyes wide and a slight smile on my face. “It’s a good business. Chicken factories feed a lot of people.”

Ellen looked like she pitied me. “It must deeply affect you to observe slaughtering all day.”

“They’re just dumb birds, and it’s just a job I do thirty-five hours a week. What do you do for a living?”

“I work for a nonprofit organization, where I’m vice president of public relations. We assist children with Down Syndrome and their families.”

I made a face against my will. “That doesn’t sound like it would pay well.”

“It’s rewarding work. I live a life of voluntary simplicity, and I’m comfortable.”

The waitress came to our table. I ordered a cheeseburger deluxe with a beer and Ellen ordered a veggie burger with fries and a club soda.

I wanted to change the subject. Sometimes describing my work excites women and helps in seduction, but Ellen just seemed disgusted.

“Do you have a roommate, or do you live alone?”

Ellen smiled. “I live with three of my best friends, whom I’ve known since college.”

“Are they all vegan as well?”

Ellen nodded. “Yes, our interest in the humane treatment of animals brought us together. We all wanted to get off of the college meal plan, which didn’t offer much that was plant based, so we rented a small apartment off campus and ate mostly rice and beans. Do you live alone?”

“Yes, I like my privacy. I have a one bedroom apartment.”

Ellen frowned. “I can’t imagine living alone. It sounds so lonely.”

“I have a good social life, and my living situation doesn’t preclude a good love life.”

Ellen blushed and stammered, “Oh, uhh…”

I thought, “Now I’ve put my foot in my mouth.”

The waitress brought our food.

We ate in silence for a while. I wanted to gauge where I stood with Ellen. I didn’t agree with anything she said, but at the same time, she seemed more and more cute and even beautiful to me.

Ellen put ketchup on her veggie burger. “Do you already have a romantic partner or partners? Do you believe in monogamy?”

“Yes, I mean no, I mean I do believe in monogamy, but I don’t have a romantic partner. I would be faithful to you.” That wasn’t exactly true. I like my freedom, but I found Ellen very attractive and wanted to be close to her.

Ellen handed the ketchup to me. “I have to be upfront. I’m not open to a sexual relationship. I don’t think it’s right without the lifetime commitment of marriage.”

I gulped. “I respect that.”

I really did. I hadn’t been in contact with anyone like her. My last few lovers had been married. Ellen was so pristine. I could see that I wasn’t getting far with her, but I was intrigued. I wanted to know more.

I struggled to put the ketchup on my burger. It just wouldn’t pour out. “You have such high ideals. Are you religious?”

Ellen chewed her veggie burger and swallowed. “Yes. I’m Buddhist. I belong to a Zen community. I’m also greatly influenced by Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings.”

I picked up a french fry. “I don’t know what Zen is or who that name refers to.”

Ellen picked up a french fry as well. “I’m going to a meditation session tonight. You can come with me if you like.”

I swallowed a bite of my french fry. “A meditation session? Isn’t that just staring at a wall? I’ve never done that before.”

Ellen smiled. “We do gaze at the wall. No experience needed. We don’t aggressively seek new members, but you’d be welcome if you want to come.”

I thought that over. “How much does it cost?”

“This meditation session is by donation, if you aren’t a member.”

“What is the point of staring at a wall?” I took a big bite of my cheeseburger,

Ellen looked me in the eye. “There is no real point, but you find stillness and become more aware, and learn to become compassionate toward yourself and others. You find wisdom”

I swallowed and drank some beer. “I’ve never met anyone like you, and I’d like to understand you better. I’ll go with you and try it out.”

“In the future, I think it’s better not to drink alcohol before Zen practice.”

“You think I’ll go more than once? Besides, this is just one beer. Not much alcohol.”

We went to the Zen center. There was a large room with a wooden floor, cushions lined up along plain white walls and incense perfumed the air. Some people had black robes and bibs. Ellen left on the clothes she was wearing for the restaurant. One of the people in robes explained the protocols to me and two others who were there for the first time. I was told to look at the wall, maintain my posture, and not to get tangled into my thoughts and emotions. If it was difficult, I could follow my breath.

The session started with a chant I couldn’t make sense of. Throughout the following hour and a half, there were drums and bells signifying a change in action, whether sitting, walking slowly, or sitting again. My legs got pins and needles and went numb, and they warned us to get up slowly.

It was kind of boring, and I didn’t understand what it had to do with Ellen’s ideals. I couldn’t help but think I could have been partying with my friends instead of wasting my time just sitting. At the end of the night, I wasn’t any closer to getting my way with Ellen, or of comprehending her, but I was more attracted to her than ever and strongly wanted to understand her. She didn’t want me to accompany her to her apartment, and instead she hailed a cab.

When I went to bed alone that night, I couldn’t get Ellen off of my mind. It was no longer sexual longing. She seemed so small and vulnerable, yet she didn’t fall for me. She was beautiful. She seemed like a saint to me.

The following night, I was at a pub with four of my buddies. We frequently got together for drinks, and often smoked pot at a nearby park.

At the park, on of my friends, Joe, said, “I’ve got a hit of acid for each of us.”

My other buddies and I hooted. It would be an exciting night. We put the tabs under our tongues and waited.

I thought of Ellen. I knew she wouldn’t do LSD. She did the Zen thing every evening, usually at home, she said, and she didn’t even drink alcohol before meditating. Why did someone so unlike me affect me so strongly? I couldn’t get the image of her out of my mind.

I suddenly saw myself at work. In the factory, chickens go into a chamber to be stunned. At our site, they are stunned by carbon dioxide. They are suffocated for five minutes, so they usually die in the gas chamber.

In my vision, I was watching the wire crates going into the gas chamber, but Ellen was in one of the crates.

I cried out, “No! Stop the gas! A woman is in the crate!”

But nobody responded to me and I couldn’t move forward to stop the line and Ellen was gassed with the chickens. Then I saw her on the conveyor belt, probably dead, but definitely unconscious. The worker on the line slit Ellen’s throat and blood gushed out.

“Oh, no!” I sobbed.

Sam, one of the friends who was with me, shook me by the shoulder. “It’s okay, Pete, it’s okay. Nothing bad is happening.”

I saw him as if in a fun house mirror. Then I saw the trees around us and my other friends there.

I shook my head to clear it. “I think I’m in love. I’ll have to leave my job to win her over, though.”

Sam frowned, “What are you talking about? You’ve gotten passionate before. Love is a gentle, happy emotion. You were crying out like something awful was happening.”

I sighed. “I had a vision that the woman I love was being killed. I understand her a little better now. She identifies with the chickens that come through the factory I work for.”

Joe came up to us. “You’re in love? That’s new. Have you known her for long?”

I shook my head, “I just met her last night, and I can’t get my mind off of her.”

Joe slapped me on the back. “She must have been a great lover.”

I shook my head again. “No. We didn’t even kiss. She says she’ll only have sex if she’s married.”

Sam said, “So you don’t even really know her, but you’re talking about leaving your job for her? You’ve got a good job. It pays well, and no overtime. Don’t do anything until you’ve come down from the acid.”

I said, “I was in love with her before I dropped the acid. I’ve never felt like I do about her. It’s not just sex. It’s tender feelings. I want to make her happy. I want to spend my life with her.”

I went home and went to sleep. When I woke up, my head felt clear. I was still in love with Ellen, but I also wanted my job, and went to work.

While I was at work, I hallucinated again. The men on the line looked like Samurai warriors to me. The chickens went into the gas chamber, but human corpses came out. I saw that one of the corpses was Ellen.

I grabbed her and held her close while crying out, “Ellen!”

A few seconds later, I came out of the hallucination. I was holding and stroking a dead chicken. The guys on the line were looking at me strangely. I was embarrassed, but I took charge again.

“What are you guys looking at? Get back to work.”

Most of them shook their heads, but they did get back to work. It was then hard for me to watch them slit the throats of chickens.

I now understood that chickens had feelings and killing them spilled blood. Also, I couldn’t get Ellen off of my mind. I scheduled a vacation for the following two weeks to look for a different job. I found a job managing the mail department of a local television station. In the meantime, I tried sitting at home, facing a wall, using a folded blanket as a cushion. I didn’t go out with my buddies for drinks and drugs. Ellen was always on my mind, but I didn’t call her. I felt I needed to cleanse myself before calling her.

Once I had settled into my new job, I finally tried calling her. The number was no longer in use. I went to the Zen center a little early for their service and asked about Ellen. Someone said Ellen had gotten a new job in Berkeley, California, and was going to pursue a master’s degree in social work. Nobody seemed to have contact information for her, though.

I took the opportunity to have a short, private interview with the leader of the Zen center. They called the meetings Dokusan.

The leader was referred to as “Roshi.” He was an African American man with a grey beard who looked beatific to me. He asked me what was on my mind.

“Ellen changed me. I no longer work in a chicken factory. I can’t even eat chicken or other animals.”

Roshi nodded. “That is commendable, but most of us here aren’t vegetarians. Most of us acknowledge that most beings eat other beings.”

“Well, Ellen was vegan. She said she practiced here and also was influenced by someone named Tik Tok Haw.”

“Oh, do you mean Thich Nhat Hanh?”

I nodded, “Who is he?”

Roshi smiled. “He was a Vietnamese monk who wrote some popular books. He recommended a plant based diet. He came from a different lineage than we do here.”

If I read his work, I’d understand Ellen better. “What did he write?”

“The first book that comes to mind is Peace is Every Step.”

Roshi rang the bell, signaling the end of the conversation.

That was a few years ago. Since then, I’ve studied Thich Nhat Hanh’s works and practiced with the Zen center Ellen introduced me to. I have been living a vegan lifestyle. I don’t have anything to do with the buddies I used to hang out with. I’ve followed the Zen Precepts, including not lying, not misusing sexuality and all desire and not getting intoxicated. I have done everything I can to become the perfect man for Ellen, but I haven’t seen or heard from Ellen since our one date.